In a stunning satirical development, a Facebook whistleblower has disclosed videos of Facebook internal planning sessions along with secret plans to acquire and establish total dominion over a small planet known as Earth!
The whistleblower, BeeLee Vader (thanks Dick), was circumspect regarding his split with his former Facebook colleagues, mostly comprising droid units managed by powerful artificial intelligence and algorithmic programs and commanded by a small group of silicon valley whiz kids between 21 and 26.
Vader began his career as a daring pod racer and had the best in Rutgers education that began a rise to fame and glory, scaling his way to #2 at Facebook, reporting to the Evil Emperor of the Universe.
Vader, known for his stern management style, and surprising observers by not going for the cheesy Pandemic mask analogy in yet another one of his half-assed posts to stem pandemic boredom, delighted his three fans, when he claimed the mask system he wore forced him to adopt a limited and stilted persona and communications style born of a “one-size fits all” public persona.
Vader found that the people he met expected to see the public persona he projected on Linkedin. It was hard work having to live within the confines of such an image in all aspects of his life. He stated that he began to notice some years ago that it wasn’t just him for whom it felt constraining, it seemed to him that everyone was sick of the limitations of these manicured, boring, public images that have now become de riguer.
Since Facebook stores every utterance for later extortion value, and with social mores changing so fast, having normal human exchanges using technology carries unacceptable risk. Conversations that should have proliferated over Slave Colony Earth never happened causing derision, lack of contentment, and unrest. As Earth Slaves stopped communicating, creating or engaging, Facebook’s value of its slave content plummeted in quantity and quality.
-Bee Lee Vader
Meanwhile, the system of informants, capos, informants and snitches, that had sprouted up to collect and sell this information, initially stoked Facebook profits as blackmailers rushed to derail job and college applications. They derailed school teachers, board positions, theater parts, school boards, and movie parts, particularly in the porn industry which has particularly strict sensitivity speech codes. Extortion sales were particularly strong to the “nobility projectors” who decimated cake decorators, florists and gun owners.
To adapt, Data Slaves in the Earth Colony quickly developed strict safe harbor posting and thought positions that were widely used as a defense mechanism to project agreement with mandatory group think policies. But as the risks became known, Data Slaves under 40 vanished from the Facebook platform. Adult Slaves had started posting cats, rainbows, and “the truth about chicken” while projecting mandatory black screens mandatory causes rotated. Eventually, all mandatory causes were forced to coerce Data Slaves to post mandatory black screens on Tuesdays.
This boring information, devalued Slave Colony content overall and Facebook’s ability to ban free thought and expression could never catch up to the Slave Colonist’s appetite for voluntary compliance.
Bee Lee Vader
We were always banning more speech to increase its perceived value by blackmailers, but Earthlings always beat us by anticipating what would be forbidden and then censoring themselves beforehand. We made a huge unnecessary investment in c178 thought compliance drones and it turned out they had nothing to do. This caused job dissatisfaction among the drones–they can be a spirited bunch–so it was not good.
This compromised our ability to sell information to foreign Slave Colony governments and business rivals who could use it to blackmail users. So it basically corrupted our entire business model.
As Vader came to realize that Facebook’s business model was failing and the Slave Colony would gradually factionalize as it generated meeker returns for shareholders, Facebook’s Emperor decided FY 2022 plans would include total abandonment of the Earth Slave Colony Control System to a Chinese Conglomerate with no connection to CCP. Slated for construction is a Facebook DeathStar for transport to acquire dominion over new worlds, which surprised Facebook users who thought they had already lived on the DeathStar.
Vader provided two undercover videos on his way out the door to walk his dogs and his hasty exit seemed to this reporter as…well, very “phoned in.”
In the first undercover video, staffers try to come up with a new name for the Facebook DeathStar. BeeLee Vader actively engages in the staff meeting but claims to have been under the total power and control of the Evil Emperor of the Universe. Vader claims regret and embarrassment at his comments and participation in such a meeting.
The second video involves Facebooks actual DeathStar plans
The third video is the coolest Star Wars video ever.